Dan Savage - the anti-bullying speaker who ironically bullies Christians in the same speech. I am so appalled. Not because I’m a Christian, since I expect persecution, but because 1. he just contradicted what he was representing, 2. I don’t stand for any bullying, and 3. Did he really have to use that kind of language? It’s really not beneficial. I am proud of the ones who had the courage to walk out.

(Source: youtube.com)

I was a judge at the Assemblies of God District Fine Arts Festival for my state last Saturday. It was a blast - this was my third year judging. Makes me feel so old haha. I did piano solo, string solo, and traditional instrumental ensemble. Anyway. When I was finished judging, I went to the other sections. There was a worship solo dance division, and since I’m so enamored by dancing, I watched every single one of them.

The first one was…let’s just say, I’m glad I wasn’t one of the judges. I can’t even explain it except she looked like she was just jerking around and doing provocative movements - no pattern technically, very confusing. The music wasn’t “glorifying God” material, either, which is a requirement - seeing as this is a Christian event. All right. I kept my thoughts to myself and thought no further.

But. The ladies two rows behind me - they had to be around their late 40s - had the nerve to say things like, “I know she’s not be anointed.” It’s people like that who make non-Christians hate Christianity! I just wanted to turn around and tell them off! Unfortunately, being who I am, I can feel emotions quite readily, but it’s very hard for me to translate it into words, especially on the spot. I would have been disrespectful without meaning to. So, I kept silent. But please! I wanted to tell them, you can’t judge the girl, and plus, you were not even a judge! I should’ve said the cliche, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” I wish I could’ve done something.

You know, Jesus’s birth an all. For real. That’s the reason. Where would I be if He wasn’t born? I mean, maybe I’d still be alive. But my life itself would be different. I’d have no Jesus to live for. I’d probably be less moral, less joyful, less of all good things. Because I wouldn’t care. Because life would seem like a meaningless cage of 80 years that I’m just trying to escape.

So, thank you, Jesus. And happy birthday. You make life better.

THANK YOU SO FREAKING MUCH!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME PASS THIS SEMESTER!!!!!! I will forever look at nursing differently. I am really eternally grateful.

Now, if you could please make my mother stop complaining to my boyfriend about me not getting a higher grade? About supposedly not studying enough? I passed! And I want her for once to be happy about me.

And thank you for a wonderful boyfriend who supports me.

Love,
Me

I’ve never wanted anything so much in my life. Not even getting married. I just cannot fail. I hope you answer yes this time. I suppose I’ll know the answer on Friday.

Love,
Me

“Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

For my greatest struggle in life is believing - believing in myself, believing in others, believing in God.

I struggle with believing in myself. I doubt that I can do the best I can. I doubt my abilities, doubt my actions, doubt with my every being. I just do not have confidence in myself. And though it is not supposed to be this way, I think it is partly because I feel that no one believes in me. I feel very strongly that my parents don’t. The only one who I feel truly understands anything I say is my boyfriend. And it’s because he’s got wisdom beyond his years. Not even my friends truly see; they only have a subjective point of view. And I cannot keep burdening my boyfriend with my problems.

I struggle with believing in others. I’ve been betrayed, abandoned, all that stuff. I’ve lived without friends for years at a time. It’s painful. And lonely. Even though I knew everyone and everyone knew me, no one wanted to be my friend. And those who “did” were just using me. That is when I learned not to trust others. That is when I learned that the only person in life who will stick with you is God, and sometimes that is still very, very lonely (it’s not like you can have a face-to-face conversation with him). There are few people in my life whom I really, truly would trust my life with.

I struggle with believing in God. I mean, I know He’s true, I know He’s in my heart and all that stuff. But I sometimes just cannot bring myself to believe that He really does listen to me, listen to my cries, listen to my prayers. Those years of living alone, those times where no one understood…they were when I felt closest to God because He was the only thing I had. But when I look back at those times, I wonder. I’m certainly not saying He’s not real. No. He is definitely very real. Maybe I just don’t see because I don’t believe.

“Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”